Jerry, you need to find god
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
