I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
you will always have a special place in my vag
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
