tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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