u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
