Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
