I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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