just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
