So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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