My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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