Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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