We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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