mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
