i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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