Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
