If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
