your room smells of hookers.
And success
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
