I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
