Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
