My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
