I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
