well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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