12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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