Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Four minutes until I can fart!
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
