Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
