I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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