Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
