Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
