wrigley field is MILF paradise
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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