im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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