You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
