you have to choose: penises or morals?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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