kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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