woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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