This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
