dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
