last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
