my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
