the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
