so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
