Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
