I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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