At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
