why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
