were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
