oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
