You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
They have beer where we have blood.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
