Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
