I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
