i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
