I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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