Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
