Whats the glycemic index on semen?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
