I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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