people are starting to question the shark bite story
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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