He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
